CCECYOUTH.COM

By Kelly Haynes

Just like every relationship in this world, a parent child relationship is imperfect, broken or fallen. I’m sure that every child can say that their relationship with their parent/guardian is not perfect and that it can be really difficult at times. Personally, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. When I say that it doesn’t mean that we don’t have arguments or fights (because believe me we have definitely had our fair share of them), I just mean that  I have a close relationship with them and love them very much. But unfortunately for a lot of people this relationship can often be hurtful, challenging and hard. Children can be hurt from this relationship (parent/child)in many different ways; abuse, separation/divorce, difference in personalities. But there is also the challenge and hurt that comes along with the death of a parent and that is what has happened to me………………….
Just quickly, I was born on the best day in the year- the 7th of the 11th 1985. I had a Mum and a Dad (pretty obvious) and an older brother. And as I am told we all lived happily on a youth campsite- Teen Ranch. But  God had other plans for this cozy little family and when I was a kid my Dad drowned saving some girls at one of the youth camps. Now at the ripe old age of two I don’t think I ever really understood or comprehended what had happened. Apparently I was even quite happy to share and talk to any stranger that walked along about what had happened to my Dad. But then even growing up in primary school and early high school I don’t think the pain of loosing my Dad had really sunk in yet. It hasn’t been until I got a bit older that I really started to comprehend the loss.

Many consequences followed after the death of my Dad; my Mum re-married, I got a little bro, we moved to the Central Coast and I now had a step brother/sister. For me, all this was not really a problem. I got along with my new Dad and I interacted with my new brothers and sister like any normal sibling’s would (we fought). But for some people getting new family members and having to start living with them is really challenging. You’ve lost a parent and now a new parent comes along (maybe even with some new brothers and sisters) and its hard and its hurtful. It’s a lot of change to deal with, even if it all happens over a long period of time. Fortunately, God  gave me a new Dad that I really love and get along with and who cares for me, but even I found the change of a new family hard to adjust to. I went from having a mum and a dad and a brother, to a mum and a brother, to a new dad and a step brother/sister and then finally a new brother! And for a kid when you just want a “normal’ family (whatever that is these days) it‘s a complicated thing to have to deal with. But like I said, I was given a new Dad that I really got along with. However, if your not in that situation (which I think the majority kids who have lost a parent and are now learning to live with a new family aren’t) keep praying, work hard in the relationship and talk with a good friend about how your feeling (if it is an abusive relationship of any kind, you should talk to someone you trust and preferably someone older who can help you appropriately).

Because everything happened to me when I was quite young it just became normal to me (and I actually now have quite a realistic view of death- I know it really does happen! And at any time), and so it wasn’t so hard to deal with at the time.
For me, although dealing with having step Dads and siblings was challenging it didn’t actually hurt me in any way. What hurt is the loss and pain in not ever knowing who my Dad was, not knowing half of who made me, not knowing his voice or personality or what I had in common with him.

What I want to say to people that are in the same or similar situation (or really any hurtful family situation) is TRUST GOD. And its such a standard answer that Christians so often give but from experience if you trust him he will not fail you. At the time my Dad died, my family didn’t understand why this was happening and why God would do this, and we stopped going to church for awhile. But God knew what he was doing and when I look back on it all now I can see that he has grown my Mum, my Dad and kept my brothers and me close to him our whole lives- and that’s what is important. God has a bigger picture, bigger than all of our small, short lives, and he is working it all out. And he also loves us and cares for us and wants us to be his children and so he will also work that out in your life.

Just to finish, when times get tough with your family situation- Trust in God, and this just means to get up everyday pray to him. Live for him and not yourself and constantly remind your self that he is the God of the universe who loves you and died for you so that you can trust in him and trust your life to him. Also,  talk to friends (I am a particularly open person about my life- I‘ll talk to almost anyone about almost anything) and so I was always talking to people about how I was feeling and what was going on with me. If your in a similar situation to me and have lost a parent and are dealing with grieving that loss and also maybe having to deal with getting along with a new family that you might not get along with so easily. If your angry about what has happened or feeling bitter towards God, a parent, or new parents that you have. Obvious answer- but you NEED to pray to God, he will work in you. I also defiantly recommend talking to a friend, a leader (someone you can trust and who will listen). Parents are not perfect and so they can hurt you sometimes (we can hurt them too) and so it helpful to talk to a trustworthy person about it so that someone can be praying for you and help you through problems you may have.

I actually really love my family and am quite proud of them, I think God has worked very graciously in us and I can see his work in all of our lives. You might not be able to see the good work God is doing in  the tragedies that you are facing, you might not even be able to see it when you are my age- but I can guarantee that by the time you get to heaven you will understand how God has worked in your life to bring about his good purposes and why he might have taken away one of your parents or both- and you will praise him and glorify him forever!