CCECYOUTH.COM

By Alex Hartley

This is an edited transcript of Episode 59 of On the Poddy.  It was part of Issue #004 of j-walk magazine.

Dave: We’re talking about families today which is part of our j-walk issue number 4 which I guess is about parents… It’s Sunday night just after church, we’ve just enjoyed some pizza and I thought we’d kick off quickly talking to Dan. Tell us about your parents, we had your mum on the show two weeks ago, two episodes ago… -

Dan: Delightful.

Dave: It was delightful to have your mum on the show she loves you… -

Dan: She didn’t sound very much like my mum.

Dave: It was actually Row putting on a voice – good job Wendy, nah it was your mum; tell us about your parents growing up.

Dan: Well, I grew up in a family where my parents saw the most important thing for me being that I knew Jesus. So that for them meant, that right down to the stuff they get me for Christmas, the books that they’d read to me –

Dave: Bible Games!

Dan: Nah, we didn’t play any Bible games, but everything that we did as a family they made sure that me and my brother, my brother and I, knew Jesus. So each night we’d pray, mum and dad would come and tuck us in and we’d pray together. We’d read from the bible, lots of different stuff like that. Dad growing up kept getting inspired to start dinner devotion times, and it was too –

Dave: That Tim Godden was is crazy.

Dan: Ha yeah, but he just couldn’t do it and so my parents were massive in me becoming a Christian. So although a grew up in a Christian family I didn’t become a Christian until I went on my first kind of camp away from my family, and they encouraged me to go on that camp. They encouraged me to get locked into youth groups. The church we were going to before CCEC, they weren’t happy with the guy who was running the kids ministry because they didn’t think they were teaching the bible so they forced us to sit in church and listen so we got pulled out of kids ministry by my parents.

Dave: And got to critique the sermon?!

Dan: Well actually they gave us books, or Christian novels to read, but they were really helpful. They other thing I found really great was particularly my dad spent good time with me as his son. Dad worked hard at making it a priority that when I was growing up he wanted to pray with me and talk about stuff one on one. It was great, when I had questions I went to him and I remember lots of late night chats up in the attic.

Dave: Now it sounds like you’ve had a great relationship with your parents, your parents are still together, they’re married, and they still like each other –

Dan: Yeah they do! More and more..

Dave: That’s sick isn’t it?!

Dan: Yeah it gross..

[Background laughter]

Dan: It has been gross in the past.

Dave: We’ll keep moving from there kiddies, keep moving, and if you’re in that same situation keep moving.

Dave: Your parents I’m assuming they fight, they’re not that brilliant and they’re still together. But that’s not actually normal, that parents are necessarily together. I mean the statistics, for divorce, separation, adultery are significant and growing every year and so our guess, is there are lots of people in youth group who are in different contexts. You might well have Christian parents, but there might even be problems in your Christian family. So we’ve worked out there is at least ten different scenarios you might be in, whether you’re still a teenager or if you’re now 40 - you’re too old to listen to this thing but for some reason you’re one of our fans. Sorry –

Dan: Shout out to Wendy Godden –

Dave: she’d not 40, she’s 41 –

Dan: Waaayyy more.

Dave: You might have Christian parents; you might have non-Christian parents; nominal Christian parents; which just means they tick the box on the census form; your parents might be separated; divorced; one of them may be deceased; both might be deceased; you might be adopted; you have never met your parents; your parents my be abusive; you might have a parent in goal; you might have parents that fight with one another; you might have parents you fight with; - well we all fight with our parents but you may in particular fight with your parents. We have a panel here we’ll quickly introduce them by name, we’ll get hem to say their name and tell us their favourite thing they’ve done this weekend in like 2 words.

Aaron: Aaron, bushwalking in the Blue Mountains.

Kelly: Kelly, went to Sarah and Simon’s house warming - that was fun.

Adrian: Bushwalking with my brother –

Dave: What’s your name Adrian –

Adrian: I was getting to that!

[Improv from everyone]

Adrian: I went bushwalking with my brother and my fathers for my dad’s birthday.

Dave: Good times, Nicole what’s your name?

Nicole: Nicole, I discovered a really, really delicious grilled toast.

[Laughter everyone]

Dave: Cool that’s awesome, where at?

Nicole: Oh at my home.

[More laughter]

Row: I’m Row, babysitting my nephew.

Josh: Josh, I watched girly TV shows.. annnd now everyone knows.

Dave: If you watch girly TV shows send an email to Josh. In the bible in Luke ch13, there’s a heading that say repent or perish, I’ll quickly read it:

1Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. 2 Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? 3 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. 4 Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? 5 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.”

There are two different stories there; we don’t need to go into all the details. I guess basically a big thing to take away from that passage in the context of tragedy, suffering, difficult times, is that there’s two ways you can respond to God. You can repent, that is turn to God, or you can turn away from God. Perish is the word used in the passage. So our aim now is to encourage you, no matter the situation with your parents or how tough things are at home as we hear from these leaders on the panel here, not to turn away from God but to turn to God. He’s our rock, salvation, comfort, he is the perfect father, the perfect parent, and we can trust him when times are tough. Well that’s our introduction so were gonna go for about three hours, but basically were going to go around the table and talk to each of these people, hear their scenario, what it was like growing up, something about their parents and I guess how they felt about it. We don’t want these leaders trashing their parents and we don’t want you as a result of this show to trash your own parents. We hope that you just understand a bit more about your parents. That they’ve gone through what you’re going through and they still are.

So we’re going to kick off with Aaron, tell us a little bit about your scenario.

Aaron: Mine was very similar to Dan’s, both my parents are Christians, and I grew up in a Christian family where they always encouraged me to pursue things of God. Then in about 2003/2004 my parents went through a rough patch, and they separated. But praise the Lord they got back together, recently. And that was fantastic.

Dave: It’s quite rare, people might get separated and try and work on things, I don’t know what the statistic is but its pretty high that if you get separated it will lead to permanent separation or divorce.

Aaron: Yeah I was stoaked when they did [get back together] and I can see the only reason that happened is that they are Christians and they were committed to working on their marriage.

Dave: So that’s really exciting and that may not be your situation but praise God if it is, and pray if you’re in a situation where your parents are separated. So you were about 18 years old when –

Aaron: Yeah I was in the middle of my HSC actually.

Dave: So tell us a bit about how that made you feel at the time.

Aaron: Sad obviously, and I guess my perspective of my parents changed a lot. As a child you always look up to your parents but once it happened I realised they are human. That it’s a really difficult job raising kids and working at a marriage too.

Dave: Were you angry?

Aaron: More disappointment.

Dave: How did you cope with it?

Aaron: It put things into perspective, I didn’t do as well as I would have liked to in the HSC, but I realised that the HSC wasn’t the end of the world. I was tempted to withdraw, to back away from everything to turn away from God but I was encouraged by my mates and my youth leader to keep turning to God.

Dave: Shout out to Adrian, say Adrian I love all your work.

Aaron: I love you Adrian.

Dave: I guess the first thing to say is; if you’re out there and having tough times don’t give up meeting with Christians, they’re your support, the people who keep pointing you back to Jesus. So do you think you’ve grown through it?

Aaron: Yeah definitely. I think at the time I didn’t feel I was growing but as I look but now I think that’s when I did most of my growth.

Dave: Hebrews 12 alludes to the fact that you don’t enjoy hard times when their there but when you look back you go, ‘wow did I grow‘.

Is there anything you want to share quickly about your context which might help others?

Aaron: For people who have mates going through this thing don’t feel like you have to have all the answers. The people most encouraging to me didn’t say anything at all, they just sat there and listened.

Dave: That’s fantastic advice, thanks heaps for sharing that stuff Aaron.

Kelly how you doing?

Kelly: Good thankyou.

Dave: Can you tell us a bit about your parents and growing up?

Kelly: Yup, so I had a mum and a dad and a brother, don’t laugh it’s not funny. And then when I was two my dad died.

Dave: Kelly and Jackson have done a great thing for us; they’ve been working really hard in writing down their ideas so were really glad they’ve done that. For both of them it’s still a very real thing and an emotional thing having to talk about that. Do you want to say anything about dealing with that stuff? Tell us a bit about growing up then, because you wouldn’t have really known your dad.

Kelly: No, well growing up was pretty normal actually, my mum got re-married – I don’t know why I’m crying it’s like my wedding day.

[Laughter]

Dave: You always cry at sad things! Sorry Adrian, sorry, sorry.

[Laughter]

Kelly: Mum got re-married when I was probably about five, no that’s a lie, I probably about eight and we just lived at home with mum, Glyn, Jackson and my little brother Sam. Mum and dad worked on a Christian camp, and mum and dad were both Christians. So when my dad died I think we stopped going to church and it was just me, Jackson and mum. Then when mum got re-married they started going to church and me and Jackson kinda tagged along every now and again. I didn’t have a hard life or a particularly sad life. My dad died when I was two and so I didn’t really know him and it didn’t really affect me until I was older and realised I didn’t really know my dad. Growing up though, both my parents are really great and I’ve seen a lot of growth in them since they’ve been re-married. Growing up I didn’t have a hard life, I forgot that my dad died, it wasn’t something I ever thought about.

Dave: Was there any difficulty, I mean you’d gone without a dad for a fair few years, was it weird getting used to calling Glyn dad?

Kelly: I was a pretty funny kid, I used to call myself Kelly Kearney which is Glyns name, so it wasn’t hard for me. I remember one time just thinking I’m going to start calling you dad and that was it. I don’t think it was because I forgot my dad and who he was, it was just that Glyn became my dad, he was the one who was there growing up and I see him as my dad. He’s a good dad.

Dave: Just in closing I’m sure there are people who have lost parents, how would you encourage them to keep trusting in Jesus?

Kelly: I guess for me looking back I can see that God has had a plan from the start, for my family and that came about through the death of my dad. I know people became Christians through my dad dying, which is cool. Just knowing God uses tragedy and death and all kinds of things to make you stronger in him.

Dave: Yeah that’s fantastic, reminds me of Romans 8:28 which says: We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. So God is a good God and has plans. So thanks so much Kelly for sharing that stuff. Adrian welcome.

Adrian: Welcome to you as well.

Dave: Tell us about your growing up, parents and your context.

Adrian: I lived on the Central Coast my whole life. I have one brother and we all went to church, a Baptist church. I remember we built a house on the weekend, and that took up our whole weekend so we stopped going to church. Then after the house was built we never went back. Then when I was in year six my parents got a divorce.

Dave: Tell us how did you feel, how did you make sense of it?

Adrian: It shocked me.

Dave: Did you ever think it couldn’t happen?
Adrian: I think my family fought so much at a young age I thought it was normal. So when it happened it shocked me. Me and my brother stopped talking to people, I didn’t tell my friends at school for a while. I remember me and my brother were watching Married with Children and my mum came in and told us they were getting a divorce. A few weeks later we moved out with my mum and it still didn’t feel real. Me and my brother didn’t move any of our stuff into the new bedrooms. I remember at night times my brother would come into my room and just sit there talking to each other. We’d only sort of talk to each other about that stuff and how it just seemed like life would never be normal again. But time went on and my mum got re-married and my dad moved away. Only about an hour away but it just meant that we couldn’t see him as much. Yeah it was big, but life went back to normal. I just realised that my opinion of my parents changed and that they weren’t perfect they were just human and made mistakes.

Then my brother became a Christian, and through him and a couple of friends from school I became a Christian and now I have a good relationship with my parents. A couple of years ago my mum became a Christian which was great. I was struggling to talk to my parents about Christian things but I’m thankful to God for that. I’m not really sure where my dad is at, but everyone knows how hard it is to talk to your family.

Dave: Thanks for sharing that Adrian, so since your brothers become a Christian your mum has become a Christian, how has being a Christian helped you think about this stuff and deal with it?

Adrian: I suppose by processing that I’m in a fallen world where things aren’t as their supposed to be. So in that sense everything that’s happened has made sense, I shouldn’t be surprised. As a Christian man I guess I want to be encouraging my parents just as much as I want to be encouraging my friends to go to church and stuff. That’s really tough I find. If you’ve got non-Christian parents it’s hard to talk to them, but I literally just asked my mum to come to church and just kept asking her to do it. Then the church just took care of her and now she’s a Christian and it’s great. So just keep praying for your non-Christian parents and if you don’t feel you can talk to them just serve them and be a good Christian model in your home. Invite them to church.

Dave: Thanks heaps Adrian, before I forget I’m sure these guys would be more than happy to talk to anyone who is in a similar situation, and the vibe I’m getting is that it is so important to talk to people. Nicole, now we could have gotten pretty much any leader to talk about what Nicole is going to talk about today. So tell us Nicole.

Nicole: Ok, so pretty much like Daniel, I’m blessed with a family God has given me. They are Christians and they have trusted in God as long as I can remember. I guess as I have gotten older me and my mum realised our differences a bit more and so we started fighting heaps.

Dave: So just to clarify, that’s happened as you’ve gotten older.

Nicole: So probably early to mid high school I guess. We didn’t seem to really get along or talk. We just fought and picked at each other and annoyed each other.

Dave: My guess it to whatever degree, most of us are in that boat. Was it she was wrong and you were right?

Nicole: Yeah it was exactly that. I mean I don’t even remember what half of it was. Just thinking that you know so much better than them and just things she’d say or want and expect me to do would annoy me.

Dave: Did you annoy her?

Nicole: Yeaaahhh!! Haha

Dave: You’re a Christian woman, you’ve moved out, as you look back, do you now look back and think you have been humbled?

Nicole: Yeah so much and even not just looking back but when your in it. When I became I Christian I guess it was late high school. So you grow to know God more and read how he wants you to live. He calls us to love, respect and honour our parents and then when you go back to your family it humbles you so much. As you think about the stuff you fight about it doesn’t even mater, it’s over petty little differences and you’ve just got to step back I guess and look at the big picture.

Dave: Yeah is true at home you see what our characters are like. Good stuff, so what’s your encouragement for every single person listening to this who is a teenager, and who if they have parents probably fight with them?

Nicole: We’ll I just moved out.

[Laughter]

Dan: Before you say it, has your relationship with your parents been better since you’ve move out?

Nicole: Yeah, it has its changed defiantly; I don’t see them as much and you don’t have the silly little thing you would argue about. So if I leave stuff around my parents won’t get angry at me, so I don’t get angry back at them. Stuff like that.

I guess if you’ve got parents who love you just know that, and you know they might not be around forever so.

Dave: Love ‘em while you can. Thanks heaps for sharing that stuff with us Nicole. So Nicole talked a bit about things changing since moving out of home so Row welcome. You’re briefly just going to say some stuff about the changing nature with your parents. How has your relationship with them changed with age?

Row: It’s probably been about five years since I’ve lived at home with my parents. The interesting thing was that my parents moved out of home and left me. I felt a bit abandoned to be honest. While I missed my parents at first, I don’t think missed me. As I was growing up as a teenager I think I had a fairly good relationship with my parents, we fought to an extent but not excessively. I think growing up, moving out, and getting on with your life can actually be a really good thing for the relationship with your parents. So if you’ve got a bad relationship with them now don’t think it’s a ride off, you might actually find that in a couple of years time you might be really good friends with them. I’m really encouraged by my sibling’s relationship with my parents too.

Dave: So yeah stick it out. Sorry, don’t stick it out though if you’re in an abusive relationship context. There are appropriate people, DOCS, and there are hotlines you can ring. It might be difficult but if you’re getting beaten up, your parents shouldn’t be doing that. It’s not how they ought to be looking after you and we’ll actually have some numbers in j-walk that you can ring. Thanks for that, that’s a helpful short one Row and out lucky last is Josh.

Josh: Yo.
Dave: Yo yo yo.
Josh: I have to pretend I have soul.
[Laughter]
Dave: So tell us your situation growing up parents and so forth.

Josh: So I grew up in a Christian family and I suppose my experience would have been similar to Daniel’s up until tell about year eight or nine. I was the oldest of four kids so this might sound silly but I had a later bed time than all the other kids. Mum and dad started fighting a bit around then but generally it would be later at night so I was kinda the only one who was around to see it. That probably went on for a few years and then dad left, and he came back, and he left again, and came back. It was all a bit confusing. That would have been about year ten/elevenish and then he left for good, and mum and dad got divorced. Which was during year twelve. So that was pretty tough. Their still not together which is still hard and recently mum got re-married which is really good. I didn’t always think so but yeah, now I do. So that’s my situation.

Dave: So that seems like it went on for quite a while, how did you feel about it, how did you deal with it?

Josh: So initially it was only really me out of my brothers and sister who knew what was going on. They didn’t know, I didn’t tell them, I didn’t really tell anyone. I don’t even know if mum and dad knew initially. So to start with I kinda juts bottled it all up. When it became more obvious, my brothers my sisters spoke to me about it a bit. But it’s just a strange and really hard thing to talk about.

It was actually almost better when they finally split up because that took a lot of the tension out of the house.

Dave: So I remember you in year eight in youth group. Tell us about going through youth and church and stuff like that.

Josh: They didn’t really have a lot to do with each other. I’d go to youth, but it was generally just to hang out with my mates. I wasn’t a Christian in early high school, I thought I was but I only really went to hang out and then I went home. Things were bad and it was distinct. I never really thought, ‘oh God, or my mates could help me through this’.

When I got older and became a Christian that was probably when it started to get the worst. I became a Christian about year ten and then end of year eleven is when they started to split up. To be honest I think because I’d been internalising it for so long I kept doing that a bit. I don’t think I even really prayed about it much. There were stages when I did which would help at the worst times but then I would forget about it when things got a bit easier.

Dave: We know there are people going through the same things you went through. What encouragement would be helpful; particularly to guy but girls as well in this situation?

Josh: It’s important to talk. It can be really hard, especially if you’re in the habit of not doing it. I found that when I did start talking to people it made it a lot easier, just being able to get it out. It was in the hardest times I did turn to God and he did get me through, it was just in the easier times that I turned away. So I’d really encourage you to lean on your Christian mates but to lean on God because God will always be there for you. Don’t just, when it gets easier, forget about it. God is here for us always.

Dave: That’s really helpful Josh, is there any other stuff comes to mind as far as how you deal with it. You did sort of assume a kinda of father role over siblings, how do you make sense of that?

Josh: It was weird, it’s probably not the way were built to be. I’m their brother, not their dad. Mum’s a nurse, really busy job which meant she wasn’t around for a lot of the time. So I had to step up and take a lot of responsibility by default. When I was in it I probably didn’t really think about it much, it’s just what you do. Looking back it forced me to grow up really early which now that I have more space has meant I’ve kinda reverted a bit, which is fun because I get to still swing on swings. What it has done has meant I’ve got a really, really close relationship with my brother and sisters which is a huge positive that’s come out of that.

Dave: Thanks heaps Josh and everyone. So for everyone listening we want you to use this and be encouraged by it whatever your circumstances. All of our leaders have different stories to tell they want to talk to you and for you to talk to them. So I just want to encourage you in times when life might be hard, keep trusting in Jesus.

Row: In this world we might not have a good circumstance. We might not have a family or parents who, the relationships with aren’t what God would want them to be. But in any time that relationships fail in this world we have a complete relationship with Jesus. We have a father in God who loves us. We have brothers and sisters as Christians as well. We have family. Even where relationships might fail, we have it all in Jesus and one another as well.

Dave: Amen.

Dan: Bring on Heaven.

Dave: Yeah bring it on. There’s the promise that there’s a better time coming. That there’ll be a time for those who trust in Jesus, everything will be perfect. Relationships will be restored. There won’t be broken homes. We’ll be hanging out with Jesus, gathered around his throne worshiping him who died and rose again for us. There are people who say ‘what would God know about suffering and tough times’, the answer is Jesus. Jesus humbled himself and became a man. He became obedient to death upon a cross. He died a death that he didn’t deserve, and he died a death that we deserve. God knows suffering. Good took suffering upon himself to bring an end to suffering. So let me encourage you to trust in Jesus find out more about him.

Peace out we hope you enjoy this j-walk issue.
For Christ died for sins once for all the righteous for the unrighteous to bring you to God.

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